 ***PLEASE NOTE: A Blu-ray 3D disc is only compatible with 3D Blu-ray players.*** Rated and Unrated Versions - 1 Movie, 2 Cuts Tagline: Classic Tale New Twist Get ready for a twisted take on the classic tale as Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) have turned pro, coping with the trauma of their childhood captivity by slaying witches for hire. But when the seemingly unstoppable bounty hunters meet their match in an enemy so evil, it'll take all their training, weapons and courage to survive. Revenge is sweeter than candy. Storyline: The siblings Hansel and Gretel are left alone in the woods by their father and captured by a dark witch in a candy house. However they kill the witch and escape from the spot. Years later, the orphans have become famous witch hunters. When eleven children go missing in a small village, the Major summons Hansel and Gretel to rescue them, and they save the red haired Mina from the local sheriff that wants to burn her accusing Mina of witchcraft. Soon they discover that the Blood Moon will approach in three days and the powerful dark witch Muriel is the responsible for the abduction of children. She intends to use the children together with a secret ingredient in a Sabbath to make the coven of witches protected against the fire. Meanwhile Hansel and Gretel disclose secrets about their parents. Written by Claudio Carvalho, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil Reviewer's Note: Reviewed by Martin Liebman on May 23, 2013 -- If you're going to kill a witch, set her ass on fire. Oh, but there are many more ways to kill a witch, most of which are significantly more ridiculous in the abysmal Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. Gatling guns, shotguns, repeating crossbows, grenades, tasers, and many more varieties of more modern weaponry -- sprinkled with some kind of anti-black witch holy water -- that's made to look on the cutting edge of antique do the deed quite nicely, and to significantly gory result. And it's really about as lame as it sounds. If a movie ever had "disaster" written all over it, it's this. Sure, don't judge a book by its cover or a movie by its poster or premise, but this a pretty clear-cut classic case of the new Hollywood, a movie that's so transparent in exactly what it's going to be that one need not even watch -- or catch a glimpse of the trailer, for that matter -- to know there's going to be bad dialogue, over-the-top action, and even a "bullet time" shot in which Hansel bends over backwards, out of the way just in the nick of time of an incoming arrow. It's the poster child for the criticism that Hollywood has completely given up on making good movies, now fully embracing the mocking "lame stream" monicker and going for broke in junk cinema-for-profit ventures. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters proves mindlessly entertaining, generally, but expect to lose a significant number of braincells and come to dislike these sorts of recycled garbage in-garbage out movies all the more after watching. Two young children are abandoned in the woods and stumble upon a unique home made of delicious candy. Unfortunately, a snack on the wall and a knock on the door leads them into hell on Earth. A witch aims to fatten them up for food, but the children get the best of her, tossing her in her own oven and escaping her hungry clutches. They grow into locally renowned witch hunters. Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) have been hired by the mayor of a mid-sized village to track down several missing children. The mayor is at odds with the short-tempered local sheriff (Peter Stormare) who would rather his own posse find the children and who prefers to burn witches -- or those simply accused of witchcraft -- at the stake first and ask questions later. Hansel and Gretel soon piece together the case. The "Blood Moon" is fast approaching; it's a rare astrological event that's a powerful night for black witches, and it's only three days away. With the chase underway, Hansel and Gretel soon learn the identity of their foe, a particularly powerful witch named Muriel (Famke Janssen) who has developed a spell to make her and her minions invincible. With the fate of a dozen children -- and perhaps even the world -- at stake, Hansel and Gretel must team up with several unlikely allies to stop the witches at all costs and before the Blood Moon passes overhead. If Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters gets anything absolutely right -- aside from some pretty high quality makeup work on the nasty, crusty witches and a good bit of gore that looks more practical realistic than it does digital phony -- it's the opening sequence that captures the terrible, grisly spirit of the fairy tale with an energy and palpable dark fear hanging over the entire thing. Unfortunately, the downfall begins with a cliché, har-har, no-thought line from Gretel once the witch is tossed in the oven, and there begins the real movie, a movie that's all about cheap thrills and trying to find the most crowd pleasing pieces in a sea of utter junk bad movie stock. The picture aims for a silly-yet-straight, humorous-but-grisly style that commands less attention than it takes to munch on popcorn and slurp up a soda. With an arsenal of anachronistic weapons, thinly developed characters on both sides, plenty of gore, and hackneyed dialogue ("the only good witch is a dead witch!"), it's easy to see that creativity abounds in the movie. Sarcasm aside, it really is difficult to sit through the movie without resorting to self-preservation techniques. It's not really the sort of movie one can take seriously, nor is it a movie that can be taken seriously. There's just way too much over-the-top junk and low-down, low-brow humor even in a movie that probably couldn't escape the clutches of modern convention even if it tried. Indeed, it's terribly lame in every way, but at least it's in no way pretentious; it gleefully embraces its no-thought structure and all of the recycled pieces that make this one of the worst movies of the year. It's a film that succumbs to the folly of predictability with every new piece, each new character, any and every line of dialogue. Every piece plays a purpose, but those purposes are transparent in the worst way. Think the "she's not a witch" redhead from the beginning will simply fade away? Does anyone believe that the notion that "all witches display certain signs" credo will come back to haunt the heroes? Does anyone not believe that Hansel & Gretel's biggest fan (yes, they have their very own fanboy, a terribly pathetic "I wanna be a witch hunter when I grow up!" young lad who collects all things Hansel & Gretel and who falls to jelly when he finally meets them) will play a crucial role in taking down Muriel? Ah, Muriel, herself a not-so-shining example of villainy, a character with minimal motivation, little style, and no real reason to remember her once the movie's over. Oh, and don't forget her brainless Beebop and Rocksteady sidekicks. Villains always find the dumbest sidekicks. But at least all their makeup looks good. And yes, the entire movie is all about the superficial; anyone looking for even a smidgen of depth -- figurative depth, not 3D depth -- will be sorely disappointed. But then again common sense says ain't none of that here, no way, no how just from a glance at the poster or a peek at the premise. In this case, judging by its cover yields the correct analysis. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters plays just as expected. It's pure fantasy, over-the-top goofy, don't-take-me-seriously in action and dialogue both. It's also hugely predictable, largely unimaginative in execution, and a perfect example of everything that's wrong with modern mainstream cinema. But it's still technically well made and offers serviceable, albeit mindlessly serviceable, entertainment. Suffice it to say, the highbrow crowd should stay far away, but chances are audiences who expect only basic, time killing entertainment will find enough value to give it a watch. Paramount's Blu-ray 3D release of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is surprisingly thin on extras. However, video and audio qualities are fantastic, and the 3D effect is solid throughout. Rent it. [CSW] -3.7- 3D and D-Box made all the difference. The film is similar in style to such franchise films as Underworld and others, but it very heavy on special effects and less so on style and story, which is the reason that 3D and D-Box make all the difference. Without them this is a once-is-enough rental. I have to add that I did find quite a bit of humor that may or may not have been intentional. Cast Notes: Jeremy Renner (Hansel), Gemma Arterton (Gretel), Famke Janssen (Muriel), Pihla Viitala (Mina), Derek Mears (Edward), Robin Atkin Downes (Edward [voice]), Ingrid Bolsø Berdal (Horned Witch), Joanna Kulig (Red Haired Witch), Thomas Mann (Ben), Peter Stormare (Sheriff Berringer), Bjørn Sundquist (Jackson), Rainer Bock (Mayor Engleman), Thomas Scharff (Father), Kathrin Kühnel (Adrianna), Cedric Eich (Young Hansel). IMDb Rating (05/17/13): 6.2/10 from 36,953 users IMDb Rating (03/02/13): 6.4/10 from 19,122 users IMDb Rating (02/04/13): 6.5/10 from 9,290 users
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